No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
