video games are the ultimate cock blocker
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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