Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Randomize
