What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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