sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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