If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
