My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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