Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
