a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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