Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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