When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize