I feel like I'm in dance class right now
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
