Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
You are the jesus of drinking
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
