we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
