my phone needs a breathalizer
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize