I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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