She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
