I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
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