I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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