i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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