Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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