i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
