You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
The beer is more important than you right now.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
