my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
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