yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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