the only muscles i have these days is kegels
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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