my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
He shit in the fireplace
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