Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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