There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
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