so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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