I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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