I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
