my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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