I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
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