Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Houston, we have a blender
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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