A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I just googled if crying burns calories
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
