The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Randomize
