I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Randomize
