Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He shit in the fireplace
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
