Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
