You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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