Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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