While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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