I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Less talking, more tequila
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize