Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
