I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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