hotel room ftw
It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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