its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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