I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
