It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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