The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
