did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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