Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
