i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Houston, we have a blender
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
