I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
