when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
