just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
