Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize