tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
