I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
